itsladylazarus

I don't like the way things are now. I'm taking on bigger and bigger projects and I don't have anything to anchor me. I don't like working with people whose methods I don't agree with. I don't like that my ideas, and my ideals are being taken from me by someone I do not enjoy working with. I do not like X didn't even bother consulting me before bringing Y into this project. I don't like that my ass is on the line when I have barely been established in the industry. This is not what I expected.

I feel incompetent.

My impatience is reaching an all time high. I get irritated when people don't understand what I'm talking about when it's obvious to me. How much clearer do you need me to put it? Stupidity annoys me. Lack of initiative pisses me off. It's okay to be stupid and clueless if you're actively trying to improve yourself but when you have all the time in the world and all you do it waste it and not spend it improving yourself? Then you ought to be shot for how un-street smart you are.

Cluelessness annoys me.

Just when I thought I found Sylvia back again, I feel like I lost myself again just when I was so close to getting it back. I don't know who I am, I don't like all these conflicting emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I'm floating around and going with the flow and I have no clue what the fuck I want to do with my life. It's like I have my life so perfectly mapped out for me, but I suddenly feel like it's not something I can achieve. Not good enough. Plus my parents are starting to pay for my education so that I don't have to work anymore but I'm not sure I can deal with having so much time on my hands to be on my own. And I'm not sure I can deal with not having the financial freedom to do anything I want whenever I want cos I can afford to anymore.

I am insecure, and unstable, and I am scared.

But it's time to shove these feelings aside, grit my teeth and get back to work cos seriously? No one gives a shit about how I feel. They just want their deadlines.