I don't like the way things are now. I'm taking on bigger and bigger projects and I don't have anything to anchor me. I don't like working with people whose methods I don't agree with. I don't like that my ideas, and my ideals are being taken from me by someone I do not enjoy working with. I do not like X didn't even bother consulting me before bringing Y into this project. I don't like that my ass is on the line when I have barely been established in the industry. This is not what I expected.

I feel incompetent.

My impatience is reaching an all time high. I get irritated when people don't understand what I'm talking about when it's obvious to me. How much clearer do you need me to put it? Stupidity annoys me. Lack of initiative pisses me off. It's okay to be stupid and clueless if you're actively trying to improve yourself but when you have all the time in the world and all you do it waste it and not spend it improving yourself? Then you ought to be shot for how un-street smart you are.

Cluelessness annoys me.

Just when I thought I found Sylvia back again, I feel like I lost myself again just when I was so close to getting it back. I don't know who I am, I don't like all these conflicting emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I'm floating around and going with the flow and I have no clue what the fuck I want to do with my life. It's like I have my life so perfectly mapped out for me, but I suddenly feel like it's not something I can achieve. Not good enough. Plus my parents are starting to pay for my education so that I don't have to work anymore but I'm not sure I can deal with having so much time on my hands to be on my own. And I'm not sure I can deal with not having the financial freedom to do anything I want whenever I want cos I can afford to anymore.

I am insecure, and unstable, and I am scared.

But it's time to shove these feelings aside, grit my teeth and get back to work cos seriously? No one gives a shit about how I feel. They just want their deadlines.

fields of gold
eva cassidy

you'll remember me when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley
you'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
as we walk in the fields of gold

so she took her love
for to gaze awhile
upon the fields of barley
in his arms she fell as her hair came down
among the fields of gold

will you stay with me, will you be my love
among the fields of barley
we'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
as we lie in the fields of gold

see the west wind move like a lover so
upon the fields of barley
feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
among the fields of gold
i never made promises lightly
and there have been some that i've broken
but i swear in the days still left
we'll walk in the fields of gold

many years have passed since those summer days
among the fields of barley
see the children run as the sun goes down
among the fields of gold
you'll remember me when the west wind moves
upon the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in the fields of gold

it's 3am in the morning and having been lying on my bed for all of 3 days looking like death (think 39.4 deg c at it's peak), I really can't sleep anymore.

Of all things, I'm thinking of the great number of things in life I have missed out on.

Things that I've missed out on because of well, theatre. Theatre is a passion and it's something I take pride in doing well in. I have sacrificed a lot in life to get to where I am right now and I am willing to make even more sacrifices to get even further. But it makes me sad and guilty to recognize the price I have paid to be atypical and selfish and do what I really like instead of taking a typical business degree and having a 9-5 job. And lately I've found myself apologizing more and more when people ask me to hang out or ask me to celebrate someone's birthday and I can't because I have a show.

People have been nothing but understanding about how I put theatre above everything else (well, all except my parents, anyway) but it's not right. I should not be missing out on family dinners and birthdays, my closest friends' birthdays, engagements, weddings- milestones in their lives. I hate making it to only half of birthday parties or family dinners and having to rush off halfway. I hate how my best friends call me at night in a mess, needing someone to talk to and I have to whisper an apology and hang up on them because I'm in the middle of a show. I hate not being there for them and not being able to ease the burden.

I am not begrudging my sacrifices or regretting my choices in life; I am nothing but grateful for where these sacrifices has led me but I cannot help but wonder- how much more will theatre take from me before I say enough?

I'm tired.

I'm not physically tired, everyday I'm still running around being hyper and busy but at the end of the day when I come home I always feel this inexplicable sadness no matter how good a day I had.

I don't want to believe it's because of something else, so tiredness it shall be.

I'm just tired.

dear bitch from hell,

I have 630 contacts in my phone.
I have 831 friends on Facebook.
I have 152 people watching my Livejournal.
I have 108 followers on Twitter.

I don't randomly give people access to my online life. These people are people I actually know in real life and not people who just want to up their friend count. Judge all you want but I know I can name every single one of my 831 friends on my Facebook and where and how I met them.

When I'm alone and I'm down, I don't call anyone not because I don't have anyone to call, but because I don't want to talk about it. I don't call anyone not because no one will understand but because I don't like to talk about myself. I don't call anyone not because no one will listen but because I don't want to make people as down as I feel with my pessimism.

I know at least 5 people whom I can trust to take a bullet for me.

You know nothing about me so don't act like you know me based on what little information you have about me.

Unlike you, when I'm upset I avoid people because I try my hardest not to take it out on people. Least of all someone I don't even know, and hate for no reason.

Unlike you, I actually care about the people around me, and I show it by not trying to destroy their lives.

I was never a part of your life. You made me an obsession. I've been out of his life for a while, a life that has nothing to do with yours anyway so go get one of your own. Stop saying untrue things about me, even if it is to someone who probably cares about me more than he does you. Stop trying to get me riled up about the things you are saying because you are never going to make me angry anymore because I don't care. Stop trying to make me emotional because I have zero feelings left for him, and you. Stop talking to me, and leave me alone.

I suddenly really really miss my terrapins.

Back in secondary school, ditching homework to let them crawl all over my hands used to be the highlight of my day.