Got wasted at Helipad yesterday (note to self: do not underestimate yummy drinks that only don't taste alcoholic)
This morning I locked myself out of the house accidentally and so now I owe my sister lunch cos she had to cab home to rescue me, and because of that I didn't get to take a nap to rid the hangover but I'm headed to Suntec to call a show while still half-hungover and sleepy.
Yay.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----
I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.
On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.
Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.
And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.
The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.
The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.
I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.
You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.
So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.
Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.
After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.
Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.
That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.
If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.
What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.
What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.
The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.
Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----
I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.
On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.
Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.
And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.
The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.
The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.
I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.
You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.
So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.
Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.
After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.
Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.
That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.
If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.
What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.
What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.
The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.
Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I don't understand boys.
They accuse us of saying one thing and meaning another, then go and do the exact same thing cos of their damn pride and ego and then expect us to understand them. They say that they don't want to do something but end up doing it anyway, and then apologise for doing it. They say that they know what they say is going to fuck things up, but then they go and do it anyway. They say that they're being completely honest and then panic that they hurt our feelings when they totally haven't and are totally nonchalant when they actually do and don't realise it. They're such difficult creatures.
Must be all that testosterone.
They accuse us of saying one thing and meaning another, then go and do the exact same thing cos of their damn pride and ego and then expect us to understand them. They say that they don't want to do something but end up doing it anyway, and then apologise for doing it. They say that they know what they say is going to fuck things up, but then they go and do it anyway. They say that they're being completely honest and then panic that they hurt our feelings when they totally haven't and are totally nonchalant when they actually do and don't realise it. They're such difficult creatures.
Must be all that testosterone.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
invictus
william ernest henley
out of the night that covers me,
black as the pit from pole to pole,
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.
in the fell clutch of circumstance
i have not winced nor cried aloud.
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.
beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the Horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.
it matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
i am the master of my fate:
i am the captain of my soul.
Caught Invictus with one Mr JJG today... It was an okay movie- not really date-appropriate and I wasn't madly impressed by it, but the poem really stuck.
william ernest henley
out of the night that covers me,
black as the pit from pole to pole,
i thank whatever gods may be
for my unconquerable soul.
in the fell clutch of circumstance
i have not winced nor cried aloud.
under the bludgeonings of chance
my head is bloody, but unbowed.
beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the Horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
finds and shall find me unafraid.
it matters not how strait the gate,
how charged with punishments the scroll,
i am the master of my fate:
i am the captain of my soul.
Caught Invictus with one Mr JJG today... It was an okay movie- not really date-appropriate and I wasn't madly impressed by it, but the poem really stuck.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
I did the hardest thing I've ever done in my life this morning and I felt like complete shit.
But tons of love for Jing, SM team of NETS D&D and DH for making everything better.
I love my friends.
In other news, I finally managed to catch JJG online and just opened a conversation window when my fucking fucker of a laptop decided to die on me exactly when I was plugging in my charger... and I signed back in to an offline message saying he saw me online briefly, talk to me soon, goodnight. #*$&*&#&$$ totally no fate, sigh...
Okay that's all in Today in Sylvia's Boring Life. Goodnight, and thank you for tuning in.
But tons of love for Jing, SM team of NETS D&D and DH for making everything better.
I love my friends.
In other news, I finally managed to catch JJG online and just opened a conversation window when my fucking fucker of a laptop decided to die on me exactly when I was plugging in my charger... and I signed back in to an offline message saying he saw me online briefly, talk to me soon, goodnight. #*$&*&#&$$ totally no fate, sigh...
Okay that's all in Today in Sylvia's Boring Life. Goodnight, and thank you for tuning in.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
these words are stones in my heart
2258hrs and I'm alone at home, sitting in my room surrounded by Imogen Heap and methodically organising my bookshelf in alphabetical order.
24 hrs a day my mind in overdrive.
2300hrs and I'm home, with Imogen Heap echoing my loneliness and all 137 of my books.
12 hrs until I close a chapter of my life for good.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it'll all be okay.
24 hrs a day my mind in overdrive.
2300hrs and I'm home, with Imogen Heap echoing my loneliness and all 137 of my books.
12 hrs until I close a chapter of my life for good.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it'll all be okay.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Had a good day at the beach with N and R. Talked about a lot of things, we see a lot of things the same way. I really do get along with them quite well, which is a nice surprise.
One point we all agree on- everything feels so pointless at this point in our lives. We all wind up getting fucked over in every aspect of our lives cos people are such assholes. Work, family, romance- we all face shit cos people are insensitive, selfish, and completely step all over us.
To be honest, in all three aspects I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for.
I like my job. I love my job. I love theatre. I love seeing everything come together and the adrenalin of opening night- nothing replaces that. But right now I work for the sole reason that it keeps me occupied and provides some sort of income. I go on long prop sourcing trips that I don't even need to be a part of just to fill up my time. It's sad cos I used to think of my doing theatre as something I do because I like it. Right now I'm doing shitty projects that have zero artistic value just cos it pays or just cos I have no other project to take on. I feel like I'm selling out, and that's not a good feeling to have. Maybe after tomorrow and my secret project with one Mr. John Savage I'll feel a little less like such a sell-out, but until then, I feel like I've compromised on the things that made me me. ): And not to mention the cutthroat people in this industry. I think I have a lot more to learn, I've been rather sheltered in terms of the people I've been working with but the deeper I wade into this pool, the worse the people I see are and the complete lack of loyalty, morals and respect in people are honestly quite shocking. And well... sad.
Family- I bought my parents lunch and a movie yesterday and we talked and it was nice. Perhaps they're realising that I'm growing up, or perhaps their remarks just get to me less or a combination of both, but it's easier to spend time with them now. I feel less like moving out, not really dying to stay here forever, but at least less like moving out. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's one aspect of my life I've stopped struggling with. My parents trust me a lot more and I've stopped needing to fight for every little thing I want so it's been... calm to say the least.
Romance, I'm not even going to think about it. I really don't understand people who cheat, at all. Even worse, married men (with KIDS btw) who lie about being married and cheat. These stupid guys lie, they cheat, they treat us like complete crap and I'm just going to stay single for a bit. Or turn lesbian. I haven't quite decided yet. (Only partly kidding.)
Ah well. The complete lack of respect for people's feelings just disgusts me these days.
One point we all agree on- everything feels so pointless at this point in our lives. We all wind up getting fucked over in every aspect of our lives cos people are such assholes. Work, family, romance- we all face shit cos people are insensitive, selfish, and completely step all over us.
To be honest, in all three aspects I feel like I have nothing worth fighting for.
I like my job. I love my job. I love theatre. I love seeing everything come together and the adrenalin of opening night- nothing replaces that. But right now I work for the sole reason that it keeps me occupied and provides some sort of income. I go on long prop sourcing trips that I don't even need to be a part of just to fill up my time. It's sad cos I used to think of my doing theatre as something I do because I like it. Right now I'm doing shitty projects that have zero artistic value just cos it pays or just cos I have no other project to take on. I feel like I'm selling out, and that's not a good feeling to have. Maybe after tomorrow and my secret project with one Mr. John Savage I'll feel a little less like such a sell-out, but until then, I feel like I've compromised on the things that made me me. ): And not to mention the cutthroat people in this industry. I think I have a lot more to learn, I've been rather sheltered in terms of the people I've been working with but the deeper I wade into this pool, the worse the people I see are and the complete lack of loyalty, morals and respect in people are honestly quite shocking. And well... sad.
Family- I bought my parents lunch and a movie yesterday and we talked and it was nice. Perhaps they're realising that I'm growing up, or perhaps their remarks just get to me less or a combination of both, but it's easier to spend time with them now. I feel less like moving out, not really dying to stay here forever, but at least less like moving out. Baby steps, baby steps. I think it's one aspect of my life I've stopped struggling with. My parents trust me a lot more and I've stopped needing to fight for every little thing I want so it's been... calm to say the least.
Romance, I'm not even going to think about it. I really don't understand people who cheat, at all. Even worse, married men (with KIDS btw) who lie about being married and cheat. These stupid guys lie, they cheat, they treat us like complete crap and I'm just going to stay single for a bit. Or turn lesbian. I haven't quite decided yet. (Only partly kidding.)
Ah well. The complete lack of respect for people's feelings just disgusts me these days.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Despite what you said, I knew the very moment I walked right out of your life she would walk right back into yours. I fucking knew it. It didn't matter what you said, at the end of the day it was always going to be her.
I feel tainted.
Tainted by your touch, your love (if there was ever any) and all your lies.
I feel tainted.
Tainted by your touch, your love (if there was ever any) and all your lies.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
i want it gone. all gone.
http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-want-it-gone-all-gone.html
Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.
I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.
Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone.
http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-want-it-gone-all-gone.html
Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.
I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.
Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone.
I knew that the moment I walked right out of your life she would walk right back into yours. It didn't matter what you said, at the end of the day it was always going to be her.
I should feel repulsed, I should feel angry, I should be happy that you're out of my life cos now I see the pictures and I see for myself what you've been doing behind my back.
You're disgusting. The both of you. Completely, utterly disgusting. That's all I can say. You have no respect for anything, anyone, no regard for anything or anyone or anyone's emotions. Selfish and completely self-absorbed.
And yet all I feel is hurt. It's so fucking painful.
Is this the price I pay for standing up for myself, for having self-respect and dignity? For refusing to throw my pride away over someone I love?
I wish I could move on like I've told the world I have, but when I'm alone and without the company of people who take my mind off things it feels like absolute shit. I don't want to cry over you anymore because it will never amount to anything anyway but it feels like complete crap when I see you two of you together and I'm the one you let down and I'm completely, utterly alone.
Someone please take all of this away. I want a red pill right now I want to erase everything I want to forget we ever happened I want everything to go back to the way it was 7 months ago I want me to go back to the way I was 7 months ago, completely independent and happy to be that way I want to be happy again I want to not feel this gnawing emptiness I want to feel less lonely I want to stop randomly going out with any boy who asks just because I want to stop shopping when it doesn't make me happy for long anyway I want to stop eating my unhappiness away and I just want all of this to stop.
6 months is a long time for a commitment-phobe like me and in that short span of time I gave you so much of myself that now I cannot even fill myself up with what I have left of me. I don't know why I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay and I was completely unaffected and I don't know why it's only sinking in now. I guess maybe it's cos I never thought you would move on so quickly and then there you are with the girl you cheated on me with and you're happy and I'm not.
It's so painful. And it's not fair.
I should feel repulsed, I should feel angry, I should be happy that you're out of my life cos now I see the pictures and I see for myself what you've been doing behind my back.
You're disgusting. The both of you. Completely, utterly disgusting. That's all I can say. You have no respect for anything, anyone, no regard for anything or anyone or anyone's emotions. Selfish and completely self-absorbed.
And yet all I feel is hurt. It's so fucking painful.
Is this the price I pay for standing up for myself, for having self-respect and dignity? For refusing to throw my pride away over someone I love?
I wish I could move on like I've told the world I have, but when I'm alone and without the company of people who take my mind off things it feels like absolute shit. I don't want to cry over you anymore because it will never amount to anything anyway but it feels like complete crap when I see you two of you together and I'm the one you let down and I'm completely, utterly alone.
Someone please take all of this away. I want a red pill right now I want to erase everything I want to forget we ever happened I want everything to go back to the way it was 7 months ago I want me to go back to the way I was 7 months ago, completely independent and happy to be that way I want to be happy again I want to not feel this gnawing emptiness I want to feel less lonely I want to stop randomly going out with any boy who asks just because I want to stop shopping when it doesn't make me happy for long anyway I want to stop eating my unhappiness away and I just want all of this to stop.
6 months is a long time for a commitment-phobe like me and in that short span of time I gave you so much of myself that now I cannot even fill myself up with what I have left of me. I don't know why I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be okay and I was completely unaffected and I don't know why it's only sinking in now. I guess maybe it's cos I never thought you would move on so quickly and then there you are with the girl you cheated on me with and you're happy and I'm not.
It's so painful. And it's not fair.
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