"i have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. or i can go mad by ricocheting in between."
-sylvia plath

all is love

my honest opinion

I honestly believe that deep within every nice guy, lies a lying, cheating, selfish bastard. Everything everyone does only proves me right.

I'm scared. For myself, and the person I'm becoming.

I believe in love, and fate, and destiny, and coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and I wish for that one day where I will meet The One and get married and make a zillion tiny little Sylvia-clones and be ridiculously happy for no good reason. I meet someone and then I date that someone and then all my ideals come crashing down. And then I become jaded, and convinced that love doesn't exist, and that all this talk about The One is utter bullshit. Then I crave companionship and the beliefs in love and fate come creeping back up. And then I meet someone new and we're back to square one, wash rinse repeat.

I don't know, it's hard to reconcile the independent, strong side of me that gets tired of being in a relationship and gets tired of always having to consider someone's feelings- the side that wants to be alone after a while, with the side of me that wants a default person to go to, the side that craves affection and companionship and love.

Everything feels so pointless nowadays. As long as I don't see a future in anything, I feel like it's pointless. Which I suppose is the reason why I am feeling this way about my relationship with S. I don't not love him, and I don't want to leave him. I'm just stuck in this strange situation where I'm in the middle- I can't see us going anywhere and hence I find it pointless but I love him and I can't leave him so there's no point thinking about things like this but I do it anyway.

The only things I don't feel are pointless are work and school. It's like I need a form of visual affirmation, or as MrLGP would put it- ocular proof, that the effort that I'm putting in results in something concrete. And the only two things in which there is actually a visual result that I can see is in school and work. And that scares me because this is not who I am. I am not an emotionless workaholic robot. I have always taken pride in the fact that despite how mechanical I can be, I still feel. But I don't feel anymore. I'm just working. And working. And working. I love what I do, but I don't feel anymore. I feel like I am at the point where I can not give a shit about people just to work my way up, and that lack of empathy and lack of guilt in my mentality scares me.

I don't want to be someone like C. I don't want to focus so much on my work that I don't give a shit about anyone but myself, and be so selfish. There's no point being good at what I'm doing if I'm a robot with no empathy, no compassion, no emotion.

It's that time of the year where I'm losing faith- in myself, in people, in God even. Every year there's this lull where I find myself in this state of general apathy and 'whatever'ism. Every year there's this period where nothing excites me anymore. It's not like the things in my life cause me to be miserable, I'm not actively miserable. It's just that I don't see the joy in a lot of things anymore. Or maybe I'm just grumpy cos I'm ill.

See lah, this is what happens when I think. This is why I always want to keep myself busy to the point where I don't have the time to think about things like these. Life would be a lot simpler if my mind could just bloody stay in the moment, stay in the now.

I guess at the end of the day I just don't understand why I can never be content with my life, and that frustrates me. Yes, it gives me the drive to do better, and a desire to improve myself, but I'd rather just be able to not always want more. This lack of satisfaction- I'm scared that one day this will drive everyone I love away from me because they will never match up to my expectations. Which is an irony really, since I'm always loudly proclaiming how much I can't stand people whose standards I will never match up to because their expectations are perpetually on a northbound journey of a lifetime.

A lot on my mind

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world. And then I remember that it's not my fault that I have to be someone else around you because you wouldn't like the me that I really am.

When I get tired, I get lazy to put on pretenses, and that is when I discover who my true friends are. I cannot always be permanently happy and chirpy 24/7. People who expect me to be like this all the time enjoy my company, not my friendship. Then again, I suppose it's my fault for not letting many people in anyway, since I'm always smiling around most people most of the time. I don't like meeting people when I'm upset.

I go out of my way to help people, and when things fuck up cos of shitty planning in the first place, I end up taking the fall for it even though it's originally their responsibility and I'm just doing them a favour. When I bitch about it I annoy myself cos I feel like I was asking for it by offering in the first place. But even then, I end up doing the same thing over and over again. And I don't know why. I don't think I'm naturally helpful because I'm too lazy to be. I don't think it's because I'm nice either cos I'm not exactly Miss Congeniality. I just don't know why I keep doing stupid things that I don't stand to gain from. Maybe it's some superiority complex thing where I feel like I can probably do it better than anyone else. Or maybe I'm really just retarded.

I'm wondering if we're making a huge mistake here. I mean this in more than one context. I keep talking about perservering and being determined to get what I want... And to be honest I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that my choices aren't fucked up, that my decision was right, that the sacrifices are worth it, that I am made for this. It's hard to have no regrets.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's easier to talk to people about issues, or close one eye and just live in a bubble. It's hard. I'm non-confrontational cos I don't like being put in a position where I have to talk about my feelings- when I'm faced with it I start being defensive and making irrational statements and at the end of the day I wind up bursting into tears, but at the same time I find it hard to ignore something that's so in my face. It's like offering me the cheek of someone I really hate and telling me not to slap it. It takes sheer willpower and to a certain extent, pure self-imposed brainwashing to stop. But when you face your issues, it dregs up so much of the past and so much pain and so much emotion that you find that the effort needed to generate the willpower to ignore it pales in comparison. And then you ignore it. But then you despise yourself for being so weak. It's a vicious cycle.

There's a term for this feeling I keep feeling: chronic dissatisfaction. I bitch all the time about people who are never content, who I will never be good enough for and who are like this, but secretly, I know that I do it because I suffer from it too. I am happy in the context of an emotional state, but I will never be happy with my life. It's scary cos I think this is the exact same problem my mum has, and that's why I cannot stand her. And this is why I should never have kids cos they'll just think I'm some psychopathic bitch.

Actually ah... I'm realising that most of my misery is created by myself and the choices I make. Sian I fail at life.

Right, shutting up now. I turn 19 in a week, omg wtf where did 18 go?! I'm determined to enjoy myself in as low-key a manner as possible this year. Too much drama is bad for health, I'm pretty sure I aged by 5 years in the past year.

If there's one thing I really don't understand in this world, it's why people would want to intentionally hurt someone.

I know I'm not the most sensitive of souls, and the things I say rub people the wrong way sometimes but it's not like my point of saying something, the deliberate action or my conscious decision to do something is intended to serve no other purpose but hurt.

Isn't it like common sense, basic human nature to not want to cause someone to be unhappy? I'm not talking about unintentional cases where in order to make one happy, someone else has to be hurt no I don't mean that. I mean things that are meant for the sole purpose of hurting someone, and nothing else.

Are these people like, mentally disturbed or something? Or do they thrive on the misery of others, that seeing people ground down makes them happy? Which normal, sane, human being does nothing but plot someone else's unhappiness??! And why does seeing someone unhappy make you happy?! And through vindictive, immature means, no less. I don't understand why people would think that way, how their mind works and how that makes sense to them. And I'm actually quite curious as to how it makes perfect sense to them (like you know oh I don't like you so I purposely do stupid shit to make you unhappy and ta daaaaa omg I'm insanely happy! Yay!) when to me, it's completely imbecile, childish and stupid, and I'm really not even bitching about this anymore, I'm just confused and I want to know why.

I don't understand!!! It's an idea that's completely unfathomable to me. Help, someone??!