I had the most wonderful day.

What I learnt in management class today

Not everyone can be good at everything.

So first you hire Person A, who can do this thing, and then you hire Person B, who can do this other thing.
Person B is excellent at what he does. Person A gets his job done.
But Person A can do something Person B cannot, and that is why Person A's still around.

But, this is my take:

Have you ever considered that Person B might be able to do both what himself and Person A can do?
Maybe Person B is a better _____er than Person A.
But if you assume that Person B is only good at what he was hired to do, and you don't teach Person B how to do what Person A does, Person B cannot learn.

So Person A will always be around, not actually because he's a better _____er than Person B, but simply because Person B never got the chance to learn.

This might not always be the case, because there will definitely be Person Bs around who cannot do what Person As can do. But what about those who can? What happens to them? Are they relegated to forever being the secondary Person B just because they didn't get a chance to learn something new?

Makes sense? This can be applied to so many contexts even.

Man, I am amazed at my insight. Hahahahahahaha.

selfish thoughts

为了你而必须忍受这一切, 我不知道爱你是否值不值得.

How to bend when all I want to do is break

Hate hate hate being at homeeeeeee. I sound so em0gurlz123@hotmail.com but I really cannot take it. Things are getting from bad to worse. Everytime I feel bad and start to treat my mom a little bit nicer she goes and fucks things up again. We're trying to fix things, my family has had family meetings and shit where we talk things out and we're planning intervention part 2387459843784 with the extended family this time, drastic much? But it's obviously not working because things are still fucked up. I know I'm supposed to be patient and caring and keep in mind that she has a problem, not that she is the problem and therefore be patient and wait for her to change but I cannot fucking take it.

I feel like the whole damn world is trying to push push push me until I break. Every single aspect of my life is solid and grounded but recently people have just been poking me left right centre and I feel so cornered. Seriously, I have no idea what some people want or expect from me sometimes. What do you want? I find myself directing this question to people around me more often these days. I'm so tired of indecisive people. You, do you want me to give up? Is that it? You want me to be an ultimate failure in life just to prove a damn point, is that it?! Is my entire future really worth that little to you- a victory? And you, why are you committing friendship suicide by doing this? Is my friendship not enough why does it always have to be about you? And YOU, most of all you, I just really want you to die for making me feel so goddamn miserable when my world has the potential to be all rainbows and butterflies but at the same time I feel very terrible every time you are around because I feel very sorry for you. I know your position I have been there before and I've told you just as much, and I know it sucks but hello, I am about to explode. I'm seriously doubting my limit here.

People don't know their limits anymore, that's the problem. You give one step they take a length. You give a length they take ten. One day it's just going to blow up in your face. Is it not obvious enough when you should back off? Why do some people have absolutely no sense of propriety? It should be automatic, people. Things like these are common sense they don't have to be taught. D says to focus on what's important, and J also says to not sweat the small stuff. But sometimes it's the small stuff that adds up to the big picture, and I can't ignore it.

I feel the old me creeping back on me and I don't want that. Old Sylvia is dead and gone, buried somewhere in the middle of 08 and I am determined to not be that crazy, irrational, mood-swinging, random bouts of crazed crying person again. But this obsessing over the small stuff thing is so characteristic of the old me and it scares me because I don't want to go back to the person I was. This cautiousness is killing me. The cautiousness I feel around everyone and anyone is killing me.

I hate feeling like every single second of my life I'm being assessed, I'm being judged, and that I have to watch myself. And it's doubly stressful when I have to watch myself at home. Home is supposed to be the one place I can unwind and relax and be myself and yet I find that I am the most myself when I'm out of home, because at home I have to watch every step I take. My mother is a ticking timebomb and landmine in one, I never know when she's going to go crazy and I really really hate it. It's absolutely ridiculous that I feel stressed at home but it happens.

letter graveyard

I am human, and I hurt. Anger does a pretty good job at covering it up, but it doesn't mean it's not there.

I am not openly emotional. That does not mean that I don't have a heart.

My patience has a limit. Just because I am pushing to keep it beneath that level doesn't mean that it is limitless.

I am not a patient person. I hate waiting in line, I hate waiting for people, I hate having to ask for the same thing a zillion times over. And yet I tolerate you.

I do not deserve this. Open your eyes and maybe then you'll realise- I have been nothing but nice to you. I don't have to be, but I am. Most girls in my position are not, but I am. I have been listening and being sympathetic and understanding when all I want to do is to punch you in the face and tell you to fuck off. I am trying very hard to be mature, but push me and I will very happily unleash the teenage girl in me. The teenage girl you no longer are but still behave like.

You are not my friend and I owe you nothing. I may trash talk you to other people but ultimately I still treat you with nothing but kindness and respect. I do not need to ask you for your approval or tolerance- you have no right. And yet I ask, I request that you leave me alone. I do not demand. I do it because I respect you as a human being.

I do it for the sole reason that it makes the people I love happy. I do it because I don't want the people I love to be angry for a stupid reason like you.

Think about it, and maybe you'll learn not to blame me and punish me for something I did not do.

"and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter, they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
- sylvia plath