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People always think that the most painful thing in life is to lose the one you value. 

The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much.

when the going gets tough, lace your shoes up tight and run.

i didn't blog in April at all. 

i am so very tempted to give up on everything. career, family, love, God. give up on life, altogether. this urge to run away is growing day by day. 

i have too many questions that i cannot answer.

but what i do know, is that i need to find Sylvia circa 2010 back. once upon a time i was sharp, focused, determined, and i could survive on the bare minimum. more than survive, i could find joy. then i became soft, weak, lazy, spoilt, and i have no one to blame but myself for that, really. but then J broke me, and instead of fighting back i just grew to accept rather than conquer the resulting one-dimensionalism, clinginess and insecurity.

enough. 

time to toughen the fuck up, sylvia. i will learn to stand back up on my own 2 feet & stop expecting people to be there 24/7 to help pick me up. 

the world owes you nothing. nobody is indispensible. & with or without you, life goes on. 

tired.

is there anyone else who is truly, truly sick of all the walls? how we say we're okay when we're not, put up pretenses, pretend to be everything we're not, say things to make you look a certain way, lie to be socially acceptable, say things we don't mean and don't mean the things we say. why can't everyone just be straightforward, honest, and open? sure it might be brutal, but it saves us all from a lot of torturous second-guessing, from making assumptions, from bitchy, catty remarks meant to cut and hurt in a smarmy undertone rather than giving constructive, direct criticism. wouldn't life be so much easier? and isn't that what we should all be doing- making each others life easier? 

why do people insist on deliberately saying genuinely evil things and hurting others, when you can so easily convey the same message without the unnecessary hurt? why would anyone deliberately, purposely and consciously CHOOSE to hurt someone? are you sick in the head, or what? 

i cannot understand the revenge mentality. why are we all so bent on winning, on proving that you're better than someone else by deliberately pushing other people down, on making everyone miserable just cos you are unsatisfied with your own life? if you aren't where you want to be yet, doesn't it make sense to help someone get there, instead of push them down to lift yourself up?

why so selfish? 

why so unloving? 

why so little compassion? 

it shouldn't be this hard

light

"He was a boy, just a boy, when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen, I made the discovery -- love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow, that's how it struck the world for me."

- A Streetcar Named Desire, Tennessee Williams

things to remember

August 2012. 

We're at East Coast at sunset after your windsurf training, gorgeous weather and a surprise picnic I packed. You are unspeakably amused at the picnic mat I brought. "It's like a real picnic!" Your eyes light up at the sight of the food I cooked that I know you like- mac and cheese, grilled honey glazed chicken, strawberries and chocolate fondue for dessert. And then I pull out wet wipes, ice cold drinks, speakers and a picnic playlist, and you laugh at the detail I've put into the planning. You enthusiastically dig in, and then you suddenly stop and you look at me with this look in your eyes. Reach out for my hand and pull me towards you, and you press your lips against mine and kiss me with a tenderness so gentle that it takes my breath away.

I want to remember that moment forever. 

Little Talks- Of Monsters and Men

I don't like walking around this old and empty house.

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep, 

it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

Some days I can't even dress myself.

It's killing me to see you this way.

'Cause though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

There's an old voice in my head 

that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over, buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

and full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong when I am right.

Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear.

You're gone, gone, gone away, 

I watched you disappear.

All that's left is a ghost of you.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, 

there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon.

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep.

Don't listen to a word I say

The screams all sound the same.

Though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore