Back to basics

I've missed writing. I really have.

Life has changed so much since I've been here last. And I am incredibly, wonderfully happy :)

Funny how the best things happen when you least expect them to, and how fulfilled the simplest of things can make you feel.

As far as milestones go, I think 2015 sits squarely on the top as one of the biggest years of my life as far as my career, development, and just life in general goes.

I don't mean to sound like one of those irritating #blessed people but sometimes I think about how everything has managed to fall into place and how I am so content with the way things are now and I am a little afraid because I don't like feeling like my life has peaked and the only way to go now is down.

But I will stay positive and believe that even better things are in store for me. Because the way things are going now, god I really hope it gets even better than this :)

work makes my blood boil

What my years in theatre and attractions management have taught me:

1. Money can buy you many things, both material and non material, including but not limited to- an overinflated ego and a grossly elevated sense of entitlement. But money cannot buy class, good manners, or respect.

2. Hearing what people are saying and actually listening & processing the information being given to you are 2 separate things altogether, and is a skill few people on this planet have acquired.

3. When people are irrationally pissed off and are looking to take their anger out on you, there is no greater secret satisfaction than making them look like an asshole for shouting at you and frustrating them to breaking point by being wonderfully pleasant about how understanding you are while simultaneously being irritatingly moral and preachy about how it's terribly impolite to shout or swear at others.

"There was a point in time when my mother would pride me on the maturity I showed in relationships. This was before I let my ego become severely bruised by the nonchalance of someone else. On the journey back to finding myself, I learned a few things:

Jealousy has no place in stability. The person you are with is not the person you were with before; do not compare the two. If there is no trust, there is no nurture. Dishonesty is the equivalent of ten steps backwards. Attraction should be rooted in mentality, not merely physicality. Arguing is inevitable - come to peaceful reconciliations. Do not take your partner for granted - there will come a point when enough is truly enough. Most importantly, do not harbor spiteful feelings towards past loves. Thank them for moulding you into your current state and let go. If I could offer one bit of advice, it would be to not measure your relationships in days or months or years. Instead, measure the special bond you have in touch and affection and the ease at which you can be yourself around that other person."

savior complex

someone once told me
to be careful
when trying to fix a broken person

for you may cut yourself
on their shattered pieces

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

heartache

I will not ask you to stay 

If you must go, go
I don’t need you
I will breathe (carefully) without you
I will smile (slowly) without you
I will go on (eventually) without you 

I’d be much happier
If you chose to not leave,
But if you must let go, let go
And I will too 

And hopefully one day
I will teach my heart to not break
Whenever everyday thoughts
Lead to you 

I’m afraid I’m much too weak,
I’m afraid we’ll always be
A book with the end pages ripped out,
I’m afraid I’ll always wonder,
Always ache,
Always place everyone second to you 

I’m afraid I’ll always love you 

But I will not ask you to stay.

— Madisen Kuhn, “Does Time Truly Heal All Wounds?

hello 2015

2013 was really difficult; my expectations for 2014 were so low. But I am so amazed and incredibly grateful for what a year it's turned out to have been. This year, I've rediscovered friendships, strengthened existing ones, lost some, forged new bonds, seen a lot of ugly but also seen enough beauty to not be embittered, and above it all- I've been wonderfully happy (for the most part).

For being surrounded by people who never stopped believing in me or thought less of me despite the (sometimes frankly terrible) choices that I tend to make. For the friends who stand by me unwaveringly but are not afraid to call me out on my (oftentimes blatant) bullshit, for investing precious time to fix me when they were in no way responsible for breaking me in the first place. For the people who kept my feet firmly on the ground while allowing me to learn to love myself again, and made me want to be a better person by quietly and patiently loving me regardless of how much of an undeserving monster I was.

If you're reading this- thank you for being part of my life and part of a beautiful year, even if it's in the tiniest of ways. I hope in one way or another, I helped make you as happy as you made me this year.