do whatever just to stay alive

There's a rhythm in rush these days

Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade

Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams

In a world gone shallow

In a world gone lean

Sometimes there's things a man cannot know

Gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow

There's no place to run and no gasoline

Engine won't turn

And the train won't leave

Engines won't turn and the train won't leave

I will stay with you tonight

Hold you close 'til the morning light

In the morning watch a new day rise

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

Well the way I feel is the way I write

It isn't like the thoughts of the man who lies

There is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming

Open your eyes

Look into the sun as the new days rise

And I will wait for you tonight

You're here forever and you're by my side

I've been waiting all my life

To feel your heart as it's keeping time

We'll do whatever just to stay alive

But there is a truth and it's on our side

Dawn is coming open your eyes

Look into the sun as a new days rise

Savouring the quiet solo moments.

hello 2014.

14 days late, but.

My motto for 2013 was 'work hard, dream big, stay humble, don't be an asshole'. Last year was terribly trying on my limits and patience but I did my best to stick to it. I've been putting off setting one for 2014 cos 2013 ended with so much uncertainty that I didn't dare to think about what I wanted to achieve this year.

I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty yesterday and it resonated a lot more than I expected it to; i realised i spent a large part of 2013 being unhappy cos I was afraid of change and scared to leave what was familiar to me. And the few risks I took turned out to be the highlights of my year.

So here's to 2014: 'To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel.'

freedom

"We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on. Their love isn’t stopping you, because that love doesn’t exist. It is only you who is holding onto what you believe should be. And what you will realize, sooner or later, is that most of your life is defined and chosen by what you compel yourself to believe should or shouldn’t be. Release yourself from the cage you built. You hold the key to your own freedom."

maybe we're just really not meant to be

You and me v2.0, still met with failure.

I have no more words, no more tears, no more strength.

I love you, goodbye.

at christmas you tell the truth

Favourite scene from my favourite holiday movie. 

I'm not sure who even still reads this anymore, but anyhow I'm glad this space exists for rare occasions like now when I am too lazy to journal but still have thoughts floating about my mind that need housekeeping. 

My life feels like a total contradiction at the moment. On the surface, I have never been in a better position- my year end payments have all been paid off and I'm not broke yet, my finances have finally stabilised, I made the biggest career milestone in my life and called my first full circus show and I am pretty proud of myself. I flunked my driving but I've rebooked my TP and I'm quite confident I will pass it the second time around. Friends I've always known are in for the long haul still make an effort to be part of my life despite the busyness, I've been managing my time well and making sure that I spend time with each of my groups of friends in my time off. The rest of my life is finally really beginning and I'm truly feeling like a responsible adult for the first time instead of feeling like a child playing House and acting like a grown up without actually knowing what being grown up means. Superficially everything else seems to be fine and dandy, but emotionally I'm so exhausted that it feels like my life is a total mess when in fact, it's not. 

I get that relationships are hard but they shouldn't have to be this hard. I've just come to a point where I feel so utterly spent that I just want somebody to tell me exactly what to do, and I will just execute whatever I'm told no questions asked. 

Decision making has always been my forte. Until it comes to myself, that is. 

This constant thinking and contemplating and cracking my head for a better approach to things is causing utter mental destruction; I find myself really slowing down mentally, losing the foresight that I've always been so proud of possessing, losing my alertness and sharpness, blanking out for seconds at a time and taking longer and longer for my brain to register stuff that would otherwise come naturally. 

Sometimes I really wish I could shut my brain off but you are the one constant running through my head and I'm so exhausted. I wish I could just fast forward to the part where it gets easier, or pause everything and let myself breathe for a bit, or as a last ditch attempt, just erase every last memory of you so this constant shittiness can finally pass. But life doesn't work that way, and instead of being bitter about it I'm just resigning myself to the constant mental and emotional exhaustion. 

I really, really, really need a holiday. Or maybe I just need to up and disappear, find a new life elsewhere. Somewhere I can be anyone I want to, somewhere I can make up a life story for myself to tell, somewhere nobody knows enough about me to let my past affect the future. Somewhere I can be who I want to be instead of constantly needing to pay for the mistakes that I once made but somehow will never be forgiven for. 

The hope of finally being able to find peace through those means, is so very tempting. 

Love without agenda or expectation- oh what I wouldn't give. The best kind of love to receive. The kind of love that nobody deserves. The most touching and selfless form of love that exists. The sweetest love to possess. 

Unfortunately, then reality kicks in and societal pressures are applied and love, simply isn't enough anymore. 

5 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to make 2013 count. 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

tiredness.

I honestly don't know how people do it.

I love my job; but the long hours are causing the beginnings of the little stirrings of resentment to form, and I am not sure how I feel about it.

I am tired all the time, physically, mentally. I just feel like I need a little more than a day off at a time to recover from the rest of the week, but life goes on the clock keeps on ticking and everyday is one day closer to opening an incomplete show.

I don't know how some people can work the same hours that I do, then go home, bake cupcakes, clean the house, do their laundry, fall asleep and wake up bright and chirpy for another day of work. I just want to sleep and never wake up and I would pretty much give anything just to have a night's sleep where I don't wake up aching and still feeling unrested.

To be honest I don't think it's my long work hours that is causing the exhaustion, the problem is just that even when I get to sleep, I am not sleeping well. I wake up multiple times a night, have long dreams that dissolve into nightmares, I wake up utterly confused and not sure what actually happened in real life and what happened only in my sleep. I sleep for hours and I wake up and I am just so so tired.

I have no idea why I see and feel so much in my sleep and I can't pinpoint why I wake up physically aching everywhere and it's exhausting, living like this.