i am not the quiet type of girl

"does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, i never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, i never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, i don’t know, but it’s so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? i think and think and think, i’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it"

jonathan safran foer

Some pretty flowers from someone I adore, a cup of strong earl grey, a good book, some time to myself- that is what I really need right now. Not dusty boxes and packing tape and ingratitude and attitude and bruised limbs and forgotten fragments of my life unearthing themselves to show up in the most untimely fashion.

apprehension

I got my Lasalle welcoming letter and orientation notice today and I am suddenly kind of scared at the prospect of starting school in less than month. With the exception of A, I know absolutely nobody in Lasalle. And I barely know A as it is anyway, since I've only worked with her once. I have no idea what kind of lectures I'll be attending, what kind of workload faces me, what kind of social environment I'll be in. I have absolutely no idea what modules are compulsary and what modules are optional, I have no idea how well I need to do to advance to Year 2 and it is suddenly occurring to me how much I do not know and that is kind of freaking the shit out of me right now. I have so much to work towards and so much I want to learn and I really, honestly do want to learn so much so badly. I want to go for the SM course next year and I want to go for the TT intro course at the Esplanade and I want to learn how to do so many things and train under the best but Lasalle suddenly seems very big and ominous and scary and my dreams feel very far and out of reach and I suddenly feel very, very, small and tiny and insignificant.

this one's for you

The gate that I shut 

The last time I got hurt

Seems to have opened itself

"the inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being, but entirely without reality and remote from pain…music expresses only the quintessence of life and of its events, never these themselves"

arthur schopenhauer

have i told you i ache

2 new blogs I stumbled upon:

Scribble Scribbles [x]

I Wrote This For You [x] 

Honest and raw and everything I love.

resolution 101

Adding on (half a year late, I know) a number 2 to my New Year's resolutions:

1. I will not get my heart broken.

2. I will not give in to people just because they are bossier/bitchier/a better death-glarer than me anymore if they have no authority over me (ie, not my mother/boss/lecturer).