itsladylazarus

It is so easy to be thrown off balance by the people and happenings and the things I see and hear. When I see things that are truly revolting to me, it culminates in an intense desire to be alone in an attempt to shut the noise out.

I know idealism is naive.

But how difficult can it be to just be nice, and kind, and adhere to a general standard of good-ness? How are some people so hard wired to be cruel and vicious?

I genuinely struggle with how fucked up this world and the people in it are.

I struggle to understand why anyone would hurt children who have absolutely no political, racial or religious agenda. I struggle to understand how violence solves problems. I struggle to understand the logic behind hurting people to make a point. I know as humans we don't always agree with each other's lifestyles or beliefs but how does murder make sense? I struggle to understand the purpose of being distinctly cruel to a fellow human with feelings. I struggle to understand the motivations behind desiring praise for every single thing you do in life. What makes one think one deserves constant recognition more than any other? I struggle to understand the need for loud validation. I struggle to understand helplessness. How do you live with just sitting there wallowing in failure, and feel no motivation to DO SOMETHING? I struggle to understand self-praise, self-importance, self-indulgence. I struggle to understand why people don't value other people as they expect others to value them. I struggle to understand why people choose instant gratification over long term gains. Why giving in to that temptation feels worth it to some people. I struggle to understand the satisfaction derived from being sarcastic and rude to someone's face.

I know I am not perfect. And I understand the struggle which is why I hold to heart every small victory. I find victory every time I successfully manage my temper. Everytime I hold my tongue. Each time I don't cave in to the temptation of getting upset over a low blow personal attack. I find victory in being me and staying me amidst the chaos of the world. And it feels hell of a lot more satisfying than giving in to any of the struggles.

At the same time I cannot help but ask myself if the struggle of doing so is worth it.

It is so, so difficult to not lash back in response to people lashing out. It is so difficult to keep reminding myself that I don't want to be that person. It is so difficult to practice self control when faced with a complete lack of it. It is so difficult to bite back at my instinctive desire to protect myself.

And hardest of all is this -

The daily struggle to quiet the small but insistently brewing hurricane of anxiety, anger and rage that has lived and still lives inside me everyday. The daily struggle to be louder than the voices in my head telling me that I am my rage and my rage is me. The daily struggle to convince the dark side of me that I am better than this, that I can be better than who I am ashamed to naturally, cruelly, be.

Everyday, I struggle between loving myself enough to say 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' vs loving the people around me enough to want to struggle with being a better person, and it is so, so hard.