freedom

There's so much freedom in truth, and so much freedom in not having to hide anything. I love living my life without hiding anything - I find no fear in the threat of 'airing dirty laundry'. How wonderful it is to never be able to be blackmailed. 

defeated

Most of the time, in the quest for greatness and glory, in everybody's burning, selfish desire for affirmation, praise and control, they forget that at the end of the day, we, too, are but human.

Enough.

Focus on your own life and your own growth. Stop making sacrifices, stop getting distracted, stop investing in things that have no ROI. Stop giving energy to problems that are not yours. If it cannot be fixed, move on. Do not ever let someone else's mistakes fuck your life up ever again. Do not pay for someone else's mistakes.

Learn. Keep learning.

Love alone is not, and will never be enough. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Focus on yourself. Focus on your growth. Focus on pushing ahead, not on destroying the obstacles in your path that are not yours to bear.

Leave the speed bumps behind.

Focus.

It is so easy to be thrown off balance by the people and happenings and the things I see and hear. When I see things that are truly revolting to me, it culminates in an intense desire to be alone in an attempt to shut the noise out.

I know idealism is naive.

But how difficult can it be to just be nice, and kind, and adhere to a general standard of good-ness? How are some people so hard wired to be cruel and vicious?

I genuinely struggle with how fucked up this world and the people in it are.

I struggle to understand why anyone would hurt children who have absolutely no political, racial or religious agenda. I struggle to understand how violence solves problems. I struggle to understand the logic behind hurting people to make a point. I know as humans we don't always agree with each other's lifestyles or beliefs but how does murder make sense? I struggle to understand the purpose of being distinctly cruel to a fellow human with feelings. I struggle to understand the motivations behind desiring praise for every single thing you do in life. What makes one think one deserves constant recognition more than any other? I struggle to understand the need for loud validation. I struggle to understand helplessness. How do you live with just sitting there wallowing in failure, and feel no motivation to DO SOMETHING? I struggle to understand self-praise, self-importance, self-indulgence. I struggle to understand why people don't value other people as they expect others to value them. I struggle to understand why people choose instant gratification over long term gains. Why giving in to that temptation feels worth it to some people. I struggle to understand the satisfaction derived from being sarcastic and rude to someone's face.

I know I am not perfect. And I understand the struggle which is why I hold to heart every small victory. I find victory every time I successfully manage my temper. Everytime I hold my tongue. Each time I don't cave in to the temptation of getting upset over a low blow personal attack. I find victory in being me and staying me amidst the chaos of the world. And it feels hell of a lot more satisfying than giving in to any of the struggles.

At the same time I cannot help but ask myself if the struggle of doing so is worth it.

It is so, so difficult to not lash back in response to people lashing out. It is so difficult to keep reminding myself that I don't want to be that person. It is so difficult to practice self control when faced with a complete lack of it. It is so difficult to bite back at my instinctive desire to protect myself.

And hardest of all is this -

The daily struggle to quiet the small but insistently brewing hurricane of anxiety, anger and rage that has lived and still lives inside me everyday. The daily struggle to be louder than the voices in my head telling me that I am my rage and my rage is me. The daily struggle to convince the dark side of me that I am better than this, that I can be better than who I am ashamed to naturally, cruelly, be.

Everyday, I struggle between loving myself enough to say 'this is who I am, take it or leave it' vs loving the people around me enough to want to struggle with being a better person, and it is so, so hard.

Most days I feel like the desire to not burden people is the heaviest burden to bear.

inadequacy

How do you shake off the feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy. It keeps coming back, again and again, hitting harder each time.

Everytime progress seems to have been made, it reappears to laugh in the face of my naivety and foolishness for ever thinking it's escapeable.

There are so many things being written and said about the concept of 'enough'.

They say 'enough is an understanding of and acceptance that we are all we need to be'.

They say 'you can't be enough for someone unless you learn to be enough for yourself'.

They say 'don't stand for not feeling good enough because you are'.

They say 'we can choose to see though the feeling of not being good enough by seeing all the good beyond our uncertainty'.

But I choose it daily. I read the right books. I surf the right websites. I practice journalling, I do daily gratitude exercises, I do my best in everything I do so that I can tell myself I did enough.

And yet.... It still doesn't feel enough.

on vulnerability

There is no feeling in this world more terrible than feeling like you're alone in wanting something that is supposed to be wanted together.

settle
/ˈsɛt(ə)l/

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree
to arrange matters in dispute; come to an agreement
to rest, as from flight
to become calm or composed (often followed by down)

So often we're told that we should strive for more, work to do better, be better. And we're always told, in hushed tones, like it's the secret to life, or an accusation, that if we don't, we're 'settling'.

But my argument is this since it's an endless race, what's the difference between choosing happiness and contentment now rather than later?

What's so bad about settling, really? Why have we turned something that appears to me as a perfectly okay choice, into something to be used as a basis for judgement of people?

Who's to say I'm not as ambitious as any other person because I 'settle' for choosing happiness over chasing an endless goal? Who's to say I'm any less because my happiness is a priority to me?

When does it end? And if there's never going to be an end to it...... Then what the hell are we chasing?

I’m learning to tell you how I feel
because I don’t want to be the only one dreaming
and you’re out there living.
I’m learning to say it even if it’s too soon.

I’m learning to speak up when I don’t agree —
when I ask you why it took you too long to respond,
when I ask you why you’re not trying to see me
and when I tell you that I don’t believe you.

I’m done fearing losing you
by letting you get away with
everything that hurts me,
everything I’ll never do to you.

I’m learning to accept you
but also be honest with myself.
I’m learning that if I continue to act
this movie will eventually flop.

If I continue to hide behind my smile,
I’ll eventually burst into tears
and I’m learning to love people
who don’t always make me cry.

I’m learning to be honest with you
and tell you how I want to be loved
and if you can’t give me what I need
I’m learning how to live without you.

Rania Naim

Once a fight begins, it's almost impossible to stop it. People who love each other know exactly which old wounds to reopen to start a fight that accelerates out of control, until no amount of apologies or backtracking can stop it.

Unwanted responsibility is so so so suffocating.

Do you lose yourself more when you don't love yourself, or do you lose yourself more when you lose what makes you fundamentally you when you lose the desire to love and serve others?

I have been trying to be more Quiet recently.

Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.

The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.

But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.

Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.

Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing? 

caught

Too old to have an identity crisis. Too young to have a mid-life crisis.

Too experienced to be hopeful. Too optimistic to be cynical.

Too happy to be sad. Too discontent to be grateful.

Question of the day: what do you take me for? (repeat x infinity)

Finding it very very difficult to be grateful today.

But I suppose gratitude also means being thankful for the difficult days because without them you wouldn't know how good the good days are.

reminder to self

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
- Melody Beattie