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People always think that the most painful thing in life is to lose the one you value. 

The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much.

when the going gets tough, lace your shoes up tight and run.

i didn't blog in April at all. 

i am so very tempted to give up on everything. career, family, love, God. give up on life, altogether. this urge to run away is growing day by day. 

i have too many questions that i cannot answer.

but what i do know, is that i need to find Sylvia circa 2010 back. once upon a time i was sharp, focused, determined, and i could survive on the bare minimum. more than survive, i could find joy. then i became soft, weak, lazy, spoilt, and i have no one to blame but myself for that, really. but then J broke me, and instead of fighting back i just grew to accept rather than conquer the resulting one-dimensionalism, clinginess and insecurity.

enough. 

time to toughen the fuck up, sylvia. i will learn to stand back up on my own 2 feet & stop expecting people to be there 24/7 to help pick me up. 

the world owes you nothing. nobody is indispensible. & with or without you, life goes on. 

tired.

is there anyone else who is truly, truly sick of all the walls? how we say we're okay when we're not, put up pretenses, pretend to be everything we're not, say things to make you look a certain way, lie to be socially acceptable, say things we don't mean and don't mean the things we say. why can't everyone just be straightforward, honest, and open? sure it might be brutal, but it saves us all from a lot of torturous second-guessing, from making assumptions, from bitchy, catty remarks meant to cut and hurt in a smarmy undertone rather than giving constructive, direct criticism. wouldn't life be so much easier? and isn't that what we should all be doing- making each others life easier? 

why do people insist on deliberately saying genuinely evil things and hurting others, when you can so easily convey the same message without the unnecessary hurt? why would anyone deliberately, purposely and consciously CHOOSE to hurt someone? are you sick in the head, or what? 

i cannot understand the revenge mentality. why are we all so bent on winning, on proving that you're better than someone else by deliberately pushing other people down, on making everyone miserable just cos you are unsatisfied with your own life? if you aren't where you want to be yet, doesn't it make sense to help someone get there, instead of push them down to lift yourself up?

why so selfish? 

why so unloving? 

why so little compassion?