itsladylazarus

In the shadows of the night the tears come and my heart aches and as I pretend to not care I no longer know who to blame.

I don't think about it, I don't talk about it, I don't ask about it not because I don't care but with the hope that one day I will I forget how it feels like but though memories fade they still ache like a phantom limb that your body forgets is no longer there. I keep thinking that maybe if I can block it out maybe I can forget everything maybe one day I'll find myself waking up and that year and a half in my life will come up a complete blank and I will not remember a single thing that transpired and have no idea how I got to today.

Do you really understand why I don't want anything to do with you? Not because I cannot forgive you, or because I no longer love you, but because the pain of betrayal becomes a constant and the worries become a constant and the mistrust is constant and I don't even want to think about how to handle all of that.

Does it not make sense to leave it be? If we leave the pieces be no one will get hurt any more than you can hurt yourself but the more you try to pick them up and the more you try to fix them back together the more you will get cut. Do you not understand that there is a less painful option?

Is it so wrong to choose the less painful path after everything I have been through? Is it so wrong to be a coward and not want to remember? Is it so wrong to not want to feel like a bad person so I pretend that I don't remember? Is it so wrong to have my best interests at heart? So why do you make me feel like it is?

(You don't have a goddamn right to make me feel this way, but just like everything you've put me through, it is evident that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a right to. In your mind you have a right to do anything you want.)

I've spent all this time trying to think of how to make it better for you what's the best way to help you understand how to help you to move on and I've put all this effort into trying to save you and trying to think of what's best for you to pick up your pieces but at the end of the day who's to save me? Who's to help me understand? Who's going to have my best interests at heart?

I keep thinking- maybe if I forget, then I can claim my life back.

I am really, really tired.