"As a kid, I used to believe that my beliefs would never change. Now that I’m older, I believe they’ll never stop changing. And I believe that’s what growing up is all about."

How To Become The Person You Want To Be

"You’re missing something. You’re watching everything pass you by and it’s making you anxious but you’re not quite sure how to catch up. A small part of you doesn’t even want to catch up. You’ve become comfortable in your complacency, comfortable in your own mistakes. Your slip ups have become some kind of solace. They’re yours to keep. Flaws have become some sick substitute for a relationship and you take them to bed with you.

You’re too young to be completely happy. You’re currently living your lost years and even though it’s taking you down, you’re not ready for the alternative. Something that no one likes to admit is that it sort of feels good to screw up. You don’t think you know exactly what you’re doing? You can pretend to be naive to spare everyone else’s feelings but let’s not get confused: you’re in control here. Every step of the way.

That is, until you’re not. The thing about being a mess is that you eventually do lose control. The self-destructive spiral you’ve been orchestrating gets ripped away from you and put in the hands of something much bigger. Then you’re f***ed. Then you’re going to be saying “JK! Take me back to the land of stability and normalcy! I’m done living my lost years. Now I just would like to be found!”

Your life is precarious. When you were in high school and college, you treated your mortality like it was a crappy purse. You stomped on it, broke a strap, let a vodka bottle spill out and ruin the leather. You did all of this believing it would all be repaired while you were sleeping, and it usually was. You reach a point, however, when the leather stays torn, when the piece of crap bag becomes beaten beyond repair. Simply put, you have to take a more proactive role in maintaining your happiness and well-being. You’re not just someone watching their own life from afar. You’re in it now. And if you don’t take care of it, it will fall to pieces.

This is how someone becomes the person they want to be. They make changes. They stop taking those pills, clutching those drinks, and start deleting those numbers in their phone that might as well be daggers. They take responsibility for themselves. This might sound so minor but something you all must know by now is that we’re often our own worst enemy. We can’t blame something on a lack of self-awareness. We’re all aware, which makes it that much harder when we see ourselves making the same mistakes. We often wonder why we do the things we do. But we already know why. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I know that x, y, and z make me unhappy but I guess, in the end, I just don’t care enough to make changes. You can’t force yourself to care. You need to reach a point where you DO care which can take a long time.

But once you do reach it, there’s no going back. Being a broken mess is a blast at 19 but once you’re old enough to know better and start to make those necessary changes, returning to that state will feel awful. That’s something to actually mourn. There’s a certain kind of beauty with being reckless with your body and mind. Closing the chapter on that and actively becoming the person you’re going to be feels great but it’s also a tad bittersweet. Sometimes you want to go back to being the person you were before all the bad stuff happened, but you know that’s impossible. So you just bid adieu to that time and look towards your future. (FYI, it looks super bright.)"

(Source)

In the shadows of the night the tears come and my heart aches and as I pretend to not care I no longer know who to blame.

I don't think about it, I don't talk about it, I don't ask about it not because I don't care but with the hope that one day I will I forget how it feels like but though memories fade they still ache like a phantom limb that your body forgets is no longer there. I keep thinking that maybe if I can block it out maybe I can forget everything maybe one day I'll find myself waking up and that year and a half in my life will come up a complete blank and I will not remember a single thing that transpired and have no idea how I got to today.

Do you really understand why I don't want anything to do with you? Not because I cannot forgive you, or because I no longer love you, but because the pain of betrayal becomes a constant and the worries become a constant and the mistrust is constant and I don't even want to think about how to handle all of that.

Does it not make sense to leave it be? If we leave the pieces be no one will get hurt any more than you can hurt yourself but the more you try to pick them up and the more you try to fix them back together the more you will get cut. Do you not understand that there is a less painful option?

Is it so wrong to choose the less painful path after everything I have been through? Is it so wrong to be a coward and not want to remember? Is it so wrong to not want to feel like a bad person so I pretend that I don't remember? Is it so wrong to have my best interests at heart? So why do you make me feel like it is?

(You don't have a goddamn right to make me feel this way, but just like everything you've put me through, it is evident that it doesn't matter whether or not you have a right to. In your mind you have a right to do anything you want.)

I've spent all this time trying to think of how to make it better for you what's the best way to help you understand how to help you to move on and I've put all this effort into trying to save you and trying to think of what's best for you to pick up your pieces but at the end of the day who's to save me? Who's to help me understand? Who's going to have my best interests at heart?

I keep thinking- maybe if I forget, then I can claim my life back.

I am really, really tired.

sun sand sea

Tanjong Beach Club, Sentosa.

om nom nom

Some recent instagrammed food:

Spiced apple quinoa granola + raspberry yoghurt, homemade

Big breakfast + truffle fries + soy cappuccino, 40 Hands

Mushroom egg white bell pepper wrap + soy cappuccino, Starbucks

Donna's chicken apricot sandwich + latte, Starbuck's

Tuna olive pasta salad + edamame, homemade

may the odds be ever in your favor

Yesterday I picked up my iPad and carelessly flicked to my iBooks app, and right there, open, was the first book in the Hunger Games series. Next thing I know, 6 hours had passed, it was 4.30am and I had re-read the entire Hunger Games trilogy.

I love the Hunger Games series for one reason- Katniss Everdeen. She is an accidental, and unwilling heroine, and every choice she made was an inherent reaction to something. It was always circumstantial, and it was never her choice, never up to her. That's what sets the Hunger Games series apart from other fantasy novels. There isn't that moment of awakening of inner nobility, that turning point where she makes that decision to be all heroic and shit (well up until she decides to be the mockingjay at least, but even then it was to honour her promise to protect Peeta over anything), she just reacts to what circumstances she finds herself in. It's the survival instinct, the need to protect the ones she loves that really really gnaws at me long after I'm done reading the books. 

More importantly, she has this ability to separate her emotion from doing what is practical. This sounds so ridiculous but it's comforting. Her strength, despite the pain. I probably sound really silly considering she's a fictional character but if she were real I would really, really respect her so much. Plus the fact that she is human, she has nightmares long after the war is over, that things don't just go back to normal. She struggles, and she breaks, and there are moments where she thinks she is going mad, but she stays strong.

Infragilis et tenera- delicate but unbreakable. That about sums up why the Hunger Games series means so much to me. Here's hoping the movie doesn't ruin it for me. 

you.

What happens when the only one you really want is the one you can't have?

infinity.

t minus 11 days

"I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. It gives me time to think and set my mind free. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away."

Ellie Saab Pre-Fall RTW 2012

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH BEAUTIFUL DRAPING AND CLEAN LINES??! My jaw literally dropped when I saw this collection, it is so incredibly sleek and beautiful. Brb, figuring out how to become this skinny and find someone to marry so that I can wear something like this for my wedding.

And since we're on the topic of clothes, I really really want Nike's The Destroyer varsity jacket. SO BADLY. It is so perfect and is literally exactly what I've been looking for. It is also literally exactly 399 euros. Will someone please get this for me? Someone? Please? Santa? Tooth fairy...? 

... no? Damn.