itsladylazarus: August 2011

When there's so much more to do, life suddenly seems so much more worth living for.

A few weeks ago (when I was still on Tumblr), I posted an entry about how I felt like I no longer have a direction in life, about how I felt like my growth and progress as a person has stagnated because I don't know where to go from here. It was quite a disheartening feeling, that aimlessness. It wasn't a good feeling. And while I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was even close to depression or feeling suicidal or anything even half that extreme, it still felt quite scary to be in the pits and the depths of all that emotion. I was just going from day to day, not living but simply existing. I hated it- that feeling of blending in with the crowd, that measure of insignificance and invisibility. And I hated the resentment that seeped from every pore of my being, the hatred that I carried for my life being this way, for things happening that are beyond my control, but have dire consequences and an excessive influence over my thought and emotions and future.

But occasionally, life decides to give you a break and the stars align and finally something works for you. And then something else... and something else. In the last 2 weeks, 2 of my long term goals suddenly came to pass. And while it's scary and overwhelming and there are some days where I feel like "HOLY SHIT I'M ONLY 21 I'M SO NOT READY TO DO THIS WTF AM I DOING", I've found that compared to the person I was a year or 2 years ago, I don't struggle as much with committing myself to a project and wanting to see it through to the very end. I hope this isn't just a temporary thing, because I would like to believe I have grown enough as a person to recognise my priorities and harness my energies into chasing dreams that I really want to achieve, as opposed to my classic Libran traits of being super enthusiatic at the beginning, and then getting restless and bored and distracted later on.

I used to lament that some people are so blessed to have it in them to be constantly motivated and working hard and making the right sacrifices. I used to think it was a personality thing; I'm just like that, it's just in my nature to be like this, fml for not having the hardworking 'gene' etc etc but over time I have realised that that is just a really stupid, childish and deluded way to perceive things. There's no such thing as 'nature'. Sure, I might have been like this but it's not because of 'nature'. It's because one day I started doing it, and I never bothered stopping. I accepted it as who I was. Of course, there isn't anything wrong with self-acceptance (duh) but to me, it's unacceptable when there's room for improvement. I may be more likely to act a certain way because of certain personality traits, but that doesn't mean I cannot stop it if I am determined enough. A couple of weeks ago I was at a point of time in my life that I was so unmotivated that even getting up on time in the mornings was a chore. I wasn't actually still tired, I was just too unmotivated to get out of bed, and being late stopped bothering me- scarily uncharacteristic of me, especially since work was involved. I'm not the most punctual person in the world; that's no secret. But I am never late when it comes to work, and lately that didn't even seem to matter. That was scary. But with new goals, you find new motivation, and one day I realised- hey it's gone. I was getting far less sleep and working at about 3 times faster than I used to do in order to squeeze the most into my day but the lethargy was gone. I didn't get additional alarm clocks, I didn't get people to wake me up- I just want to get out of bed now because there are things to be done. And I want to do them. It's amazing how much your life can change with some direction.

To be honest I'm really very touched that D & E have enough faith in me to do this with me- I'm so much younger and less experienced than them and I still have so much to learn, but the fact that they do makes me want to work even harder at this to make sure we pull it off. I've been trying to stick to my deadlines a lot closer than I usually do, and results are...varied. I try and there's improvement, but until the day I meet all my deadlines all the time exactly when I say I will, I will not say that I have truly reformed the lazyass in me. It's like quicksand- the more work piles up, the faster you sink and the faster you sink, the more you waste time panicking about the situation and not exactly doing effective things to save yourself, causing even more work to pile up. It's dangerous.

I'm a little overwhelmed by the sheer number of pies I have my fingers stuck into, but I figure it's only a matter of time before I get used to juggling everything all over again. I used to do a great job at it and I'm pretty sure I can find that girl back. Times like these I wish I had the balls to say 'fuck school' and just strike out on my own because it takes up so much time and there are endless readings always waiting to be read. But one of the most valuable lessons I've learnt in the last couple of years is that if you rush things, you will burn out. So I'm guessing I have to be patient and take it a step at a time. Time to pace myself and not go apeshit and end up exhausted and disillusioned. I learnt that the hard way last year and burned bridges I didn't want to burn as a result and I'm not exactly keen to revisit that experience. Patience... not exactly my strongest virtue, but I will try.

Talking about patience... the last 3ish months have been so hard. Friends who matter enough will know why, and I don't find it necessary to explain what happened to any more people. (So yes, please stop asking.) Enough people know, and enough has been said, I am nothing but thankful for the love and support I have received thus far. It makes the journey easier, but it doesn't make the pain go away. It still hurts- of course it does. As cheesy as it may sound, it really is true what they say about everything being better in time. I don't think it's just the fading of memories that make it better. It's also because of the gradual acceptance as the resentment fades, as the hatred seeps away. But above all, I think the most important thing is that though I floundered, I had people to help me up and fight this with me. And despite the heartache and tears, I think I've learnt and matured more these last 3.5 months than I ever have in my life. There's always something to take away from every painful experience in life. Though I was forced to grow up a lot faster than I would have liked, I am only glad that I didn't have to do it alone.

I'm grateful. Despite everything I've been through.... God never fails. I constantly forget that He has never abandoned me, and I get pissed and bitter and yell at Him, and I scream at Him for being annoying and always letting me fall so hard before picking me up (why not just save everyone the trouble and not let me fall at all, right??) but you know there's really no other way your stubborn ass would have learnt it's lesson. And when everything aligns so perfectly after the most excruciating of times, you really just know that no one else could have done it. No one.

I don't usually pour my heart out on so public a channel, but I just feel like I really need to document this realisation and the state that I am in. I want to remember how this feels like, and if I forget, I want to know how to get it back. Stepping forward is hard. Everyone knows that. Moving on, having the balls to step up- that's difficult. But in the meantime, I want to make sure I don't take any steps back. It may be difficult to move forward, but the least I could do it stay still and not negate all the work and effort by going back to square one.

the madness i make
noughts and exes

you and I we’re the same dear, both alike in our pain here
as to who takes the blame we fight
lightning strikes the same place here, tired of living the same shit
though the cover looks great, it’s not.

find me love

this is falling apart we seem to tear at the heart here
why is something I’d die for killing me
keep your chin up it’s ok, people say just be happy
how can love find a way when I’m way off

find me love, hide me love

and the call of my name in the darkness where I hide away
cries aloud begs me near, lulling me from the madness I make
Where the warmth of my woes keeps me company as they corrode
I’m, in time, torn asunder, left to gather myself and repose
All the lines that I’ve flavoured with my fiction have me now entwined
And the depths that I sank to, didn’t seem very deep at the time
Now my lack becomes clearer in the light of the love that draws near
I am my own deceiver, sick of all of the shit that I’m in

save me love

and the call of my name in the darkness where I hide away
cries aloud begs me near, lulling me from the madness I make