It still amazes me how you can get an ache from anything. From listening to the beginning note to what used to be your favorite song, or a line from a new one that just hits a nerve you never knew you had. From seeing just a flicker of a 3 second clip of a movie you watched with certain someone while in the middle of flipping through the channels searching for something to watch. Reading one word or one single phrase that you were used to hearing a lot but now haven’t heard in a long time. From the scent of some nobody you pass by on the street that only reminds you of somebody you used to know, somebody you wish you still knew. From being within the location of where you had your happiest moments. From suddenly remembering a memory that somehow spiraled from a thought so unrelated, but somehow still found a way to connect, that your thoughts always seem to go back to. From anything and everything that was considered *ours* — not yours or mine, but ours — all the things we had together. From seeing someone who looks exactly like him or her but isn’t exactly him or her but just some beautiful stranger. And it’s an ache that both hurts, yet yearns for something more — whether it’s be to be healed, or to go back in time and redo what can’t be redone. It’s an ache you can only hope will go away, but sometimes it never does. And all it becomes is a smaller ache, a pinch so minuscule, the feeling is fleeting — or maybe it just becomes something you’ve gotten used to living with, like a permanent scar across your heart.

Barney: Hey.
Robin: Hey. Um.. when we were dating, did.. did I make you feel needed?
Barney: No, I didn’t feel like you needed me at all.
Robin: That’s what I thought. I’m sorry.. [starts to leave]
Barney: Wait, where are you.. that’s a compliment. You’re the least needy woman I’ve ever met, that’s awesome. I mean, no guy’s going to say ‘who’s your daddy?’ to Robin Scherbatsky, you’re your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun, blaming stuff on the government. And that’s what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I’ve ever banged.

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

Jonathan Safran Foer

I’m not the sweetest girl out there. I’m rude, inconsiderate and ignoring. I’m misunderstood most of the time and i don’t appreciate it when others claim they know me. I’m blunt and brutally honest. I’ll tell you how i feel, no working my way around it. But just because I may act that way doesn’t mean I don’t feel certain things. I do get that gut feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see someone less fortunate. I do take things for granted, but that doesn’t mean in the bottom of my heart I don’t appreciate them.

letter to my best friend

Dear A,

Thank you for being you.

I remember the first time I spoke to you, and you actually intimidated me cos you were just… honest and brash and in-your-face. It was hard for people to accept your rather brutal honesty but I loved it, and I secretly wished I could be that way too. I can’t even count the number of friends I made by proxy in JC with you around cos you have this amazing ability to sit down and make conversation with everyone and anyone. Fast forward a year later and we had that silly little fight that made us not talk for 6 months. Looking back now it all seemed so silly, but I guess at that time after losing you-know-who it was too hard to see you happy. It was selfish and stupid and I will always be sorry for being such a pissy, petty retard and for that 6 months that we lost but what matters is that when we really needed each other, it was like we never stopped talking at all and picked up right where we left off.

I doubt I would be the person I am without you. I doubt I would be half as strong as I am now without you. I doubt I would have survived any of that shit that was the past 3 years without you. Every difficult decision I have made with my life, with my career, with stupid boys who are stupid, you have been there every step of the day, picking up the phone at ridiculous hours to listen to me whine and rant and mope about my pathetic life, sob about how much I miss so and so, encouraging me and telling me to be strong and that I am worth so much more, I can do so much better, and keeping my spirits up and the faith strong. Even when you were down and out and I was too selfish to realise that, you gave whatever you had to me even if you didn’t have enough faith in life for yourself anyway.

I know that you’re hurting and I know it’s hard, but I am so so proud of you for finally taking that step and I just hope you know that. Someone like you deserves so much better and you know it and you will find it. And when that day comes I hope I’ll still be around to celebrate with you. I’m not good with comforting words and I can be pretty shitty at trying to be optimistic cos I’ll probably just wind up telling you to kill yourself, but I’m a pretty mean listener and I have a hell of a hug and a shoulder and you know I am always just a phone call and a cab ride away if you need me (even if it means traveling down to Pulau NTU). And I will always be here. Because when I was at a point of my life where I felt like I had lost everything, all I had left was you, and it was more than enough.

I love you tons and tons.

Love, me.

spent

I don’t even feel anything anymore. No love, no hate. Just emptiness.

i am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, i am not sad. as if he might one day convince himself. or fool himself. or convince others.

everything is illuminated - jonathan safran foer

radiate me
subjugate me
incubate me
recreate me
demarcate me
educate me
punctuate me
evaluate me
conjugate me
impregnate me
designate me
humiliate me
segregate me
opiate me
calibrate me
replicate me

And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. but that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.

Haruki Murakami

I don't know whether to laugh or cry sometimes.

Joy is misconstrued as sarcasm, sadness misinterpreted as tiredness and anger mistaken for pride.

People read me so wrongly I don't even know what to say.

There's so much about me that people have yet to learn.

We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we’ve needed to see
And it leans on me
Like a rootless tree

so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

the perks of being a wallflower - steven chbosky

the diabolical thing about melancholy is not that it makes you ill but that it makes you conceited and shortsighted; yes almost arrogant. you lapse into bad taste, thinking of yourself as heine’s atlas, whose shoulders support all the world’s puzzles and agonies, as if thousands, lost in the same maze, did not endure the same agonies.

herman hesse

they say that extroverts are unhappier than introverts and have to compensate for this by constantly proving to themselves how happy and contented and at ease with life they are.

paulo coelho - the witch of portobello