I haven't told anyone any of this, simply cos I don't know who to tell. Or how to tell it. Or even find time to sit down over coffee with someone to tell it.
I dated B in 2007-2008. He cheated on me, and there I had it- my first real heartbreak. We were friends after the break-up, simply because I didn't know he cheated on me and dumped me for her. When I found out I refused to love again, refused to get over him until one day anger replaced sadness and I claimed my life back. I haven't even caught a glimpse of him, much less heard from him since we graduated from JC. A week ago, he resurfaced. He called me, and we spoke for a bit. The next day, and the days after that, he called and texted repeatedly, making small talk and mindless chatter. Eventually he admitted it- I miss you, let's meet up.
I dated S in 2009. He too cheated on me, and convinced me that I'm doomed with a lifelong curse of being cheated on. Our break-up was a difficult, long-drawn process that took everything I had. After the breakup, I went on a path of complete self-destruction. I got over him within a week because I simply didn't feel anything at all. I became numb. This morning, S called. He went straight to the point- it's been a while since we've spoken to each other, I miss you.
F was a whirlwind fling that happened in the months after S. We 'went out', but never quite made it to the dating stage. He called me a million times a day, he said the sweetest things and did the sweetest things. Then I found out that he was married. On Tuesday, I bumped into F at the Esplanade while taking site recce for F1. We chatted for a bit and he gave me the tightest hug as we parted. That same night he texted, asking me to call him after I finished for the day.
I didn't agree to meet any of them. It wasn't because of the potential temptation that stopped me- I could never bring myself to cheat. It was because I didn't see a point.
The three of them are three people from my past I really don't have the strength to be mad at anymore. And all three came back in a week. In the same week. All three missing what I had with each of them, all three wanting a piece of me back. All three only reciprocating and giving that little bit I asked for way back then, at a point of time when I am finally so loved by and so happily with someone else.
This is what I don't understand. With all three of them, I didn't even ask much. Back when I was a different girl, all I wanted from each one of them was their love, and their undivided attention. And all of them couldn't give me that. Years and many more expectations later, they suddenly find themselves capable for giving me that little bit of attention and initiative, which is really all that I needed all along. But now, it's no longer enough.
I don't understand. If they had been this way when I was with them, if they had this type of initiative to tell me they missed me and wanted me back then, they would have had my complete devotion. But they only choose to miss me now, to express it now, when my heart belongs to someone else, and when I've already given up all hope on either one of them.
It's especially hard for me when it comes to B. Whatever it is, he has always been and will always be my first love. No matter how big of an asshole he is, I still find myself laugh when I talk to him. But at the end of the day, no matter how much affection I have for him, I will never be able to love him again.
We could have had a chance, but they didn't reciprocate the effort that I put in. We could have had a second chance, had they come back earlier, when I was still forgiving enough to have wanted to take them back and then it would have made all the pain worth it. And now that I've stopped harbouring any hope, stopped harbouring even the secretest, slightest knowledge that I'd take them back in an instant, they do.
I don't get it.
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