on vulnerability

There is no feeling in this world more terrible than feeling like you're alone in wanting something that is supposed to be wanted together.

settle
/ˈsɛt(ə)l/

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree
to arrange matters in dispute; come to an agreement
to rest, as from flight
to become calm or composed (often followed by down)

So often we're told that we should strive for more, work to do better, be better. And we're always told, in hushed tones, like it's the secret to life, or an accusation, that if we don't, we're 'settling'.

But my argument is this since it's an endless race, what's the difference between choosing happiness and contentment now rather than later?

What's so bad about settling, really? Why have we turned something that appears to me as a perfectly okay choice, into something to be used as a basis for judgement of people?

Who's to say I'm not as ambitious as any other person because I 'settle' for choosing happiness over chasing an endless goal? Who's to say I'm any less because my happiness is a priority to me?

When does it end? And if there's never going to be an end to it...... Then what the hell are we chasing?

I’m learning to tell you how I feel
because I don’t want to be the only one dreaming
and you’re out there living.
I’m learning to say it even if it’s too soon.

I’m learning to speak up when I don’t agree —
when I ask you why it took you too long to respond,
when I ask you why you’re not trying to see me
and when I tell you that I don’t believe you.

I’m done fearing losing you
by letting you get away with
everything that hurts me,
everything I’ll never do to you.

I’m learning to accept you
but also be honest with myself.
I’m learning that if I continue to act
this movie will eventually flop.

If I continue to hide behind my smile,
I’ll eventually burst into tears
and I’m learning to love people
who don’t always make me cry.

I’m learning to be honest with you
and tell you how I want to be loved
and if you can’t give me what I need
I’m learning how to live without you.

Rania Naim

Once a fight begins, it's almost impossible to stop it. People who love each other know exactly which old wounds to reopen to start a fight that accelerates out of control, until no amount of apologies or backtracking can stop it.

Unwanted responsibility is so so so suffocating.

Do you lose yourself more when you don't love yourself, or do you lose yourself more when you lose what makes you fundamentally you when you lose the desire to love and serve others?

I have been trying to be more Quiet recently.

Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.

The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.

But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.

Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.

Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing? 

caught

Too old to have an identity crisis. Too young to have a mid-life crisis.

Too experienced to be hopeful. Too optimistic to be cynical.

Too happy to be sad. Too discontent to be grateful.