lang leav

want vs need

“There’s that word again. Need. I need you. I need you to need me. How nauseating, to need another human being, as if their heart is in your throat. Love isn’t about need. Don’t romanticize the notion of desperation. Let me let you in on a secret: you don’t need me and I don’t need you. We can get through life just fine without each other. Love is not wanting to. We want each other, we want skin and hands and all our daily scars. We want intoxication and art museums and intertwined limbs. We want ferocity in our lips and tracing slow, small circles on our stomachs. I don’t need you in my life, but goddamn I want you in it.”

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

- Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Love is a choice

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure, or hungry. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy, filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.

Love is… feeling safe, despite having absolutely no reason to.

a girl can dream

struggling

It is terribly unsettling to find yourself sobbing your eyes out at 4am with hardly a trigger or much of a legitimate reason to be experiencing this lost-ness when I have not felt the tendrils of powerless and lack of control choking my soul in a very long while

I’m not sure why this week has been so difficult when it is of no particular significance and why I’m feeling like this all of a sudden out of nowhere but jesus, has it been hard.

Someone give me strength.

inexplicable

Every now and then I hear something that reminds me of us, and in that fraction of time I forget how exceedingly destructive we were for each other and the little scraps of me that still inexplicably belong to you misses you, so very much.