I have been trying to be more Quiet recently.

Complain less. Pick on things less. Nag less. Generally just speak less.

The desired effect was to see if it could make it easier to practice gratitude, that maybe the first step to being less ungrateful is to stop vocalising my ingratitude. That maybe if I stop vocalising it then eventually I will be able to stop thinking it.

But I am not sure if it is having the desired effect. All I feel is suffocated, and I don't think the recent Quietness is coming from a place of restraint, but more from a place of being too tired and having no more fucks left to raise issues.

Which leads me to think that maybe Quietness doesn't work when my head space is still Noisy.

Also I actually don't know if my desire to be Quiet is truly because of a desire to be more grateful, or because I'm being silently passive aggressive and expressing how I'm sick of talking when no one listens. Is self-serving gratitude a thing? 

caught

Too old to have an identity crisis. Too young to have a mid-life crisis.

Too experienced to be hopeful. Too optimistic to be cynical.

Too happy to be sad. Too discontent to be grateful.

Question of the day: what do you take me for? (repeat x infinity)

Finding it very very difficult to be grateful today.

But I suppose gratitude also means being thankful for the difficult days because without them you wouldn't know how good the good days are.

reminder to self

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
- Melody Beattie